


Chasing Dawn

by TrashyNovelist



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, AsaNoya - Freeform, Bisexual Nishinoya Yuu, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Falling In Love, Grief, LGBTQ, M/M, Medicine, asahi and nishinoya are in love and you cant tell me otherwise, i hurt my feelings with this., nishinoya x asahi, they finally get their token sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27475699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashyNovelist/pseuds/TrashyNovelist
Summary: Noya sees it. He can hear it in the quiet. See it in the dark. They're special, the two of them.The Libero and his Ace.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	Chasing Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> or in which Asahi and Nishinoya get their own story of coming to terms with numbered days and the time they have together. This is so angsty, but it's bittersweet i promise. pls enjoy:)

_“The self is not so weightless_

_Nor whole and unbroken_

_Remember the pact of our youth”_

gang of youths 

In Nishinoya's world, bluntness is honest. In his world, moving forward is strength. 

In his world, there's a tomorrow and _another and another._

In Nishinoya's world, he walks to school every morning expecting a tall, brown haired boy to be beside him, trying to keep up with him, because Noya is always moving. To Noya, He doesn't need to worry about whether he'll see his teammate- one of his best friends at practice the next day, he doesn't have to worry about not getting to hear his voice and the shouts of encouragement from his upperclassman because there's a tomorrow where he'll expect it again and again. 

But Noya and Asahi alike have to learn that it isn't always like that. And sometimes routines and expectancies plummet to failure.

It's a scary thing, learning someone close to you has been attached to a countdown, where every moment the time up ticks closer, the more panicked and anxious you become, the more you don't want to acknowledge the fact that time is in fact, running out.

Noya has dealt with death. Dealt with loss in his family. Yet, he tries so hard to move forward because that's what he does best; he takes his mountains with grace and sprints right up them, and from there he tries harder to get back to solid ground where his life is even, where his emotional state stays above the depths of the water. 

But that isn't to say Noya was prepared. 

Prepared was the last thing anyone was for this.

***

It was a normal day. It was normal because Noya expected it to be. A normal day where the sun rose the same, where Noya woke up the same.

His phone buzzed repeatedly on his nightstand, and when the libero who values his sleep, reached over with his face still in his pillow to turn off his alarm, he accidentally knocked over the picture frame of him and his team. He lifts his head and squints, still drowsy and eventually turns his alarm off after a few curse words and staring at the ceiling. 

He pulls himself out of bed. Normal, it's all so normal. The alarm, knocking over that damn picture frame that he leans over to pick up and adjust again, the smell of breakfast coming from downstairs; his father was probably cooking since his mother was working and left far to early for any sane person, everything was just so ordinary and there was no sign of any life altering events in the process. Noya was at ease, he was energized and happy in an airy way that came with routine and the idea that he was going to practice in 30 minutes, and that he'd be walking a familiar route with his tall brown haired friend with the smile that wakes even Nishinoya up.

Noya takes 5 minutes to shower quickly, another 5 to style his hair and get dressed, and in an always record time, he's ready to leave and grab whatever his parents have made for breakfast before running out the door. 

"pancakes, Nice," Noya grins when he comes downstairs and his dads just starting to clean up. "I've been experimenting with American foods, they’re decent," his dad shrugs. He's a little taller than Yuu. Noya mostly got his short genes from his mom, but his dad isn't tall for a man either, barely catching 5'8. 

"I'm sure mom will love them, are you gonna take her some?" Noya doesn't decide to take his breakfast on the go since he has a little bit of time, and sits up on a bar stool at the island, stuffing his face with no shame. Normal day, normal life. 

Tomorrow will be the same, and maybe Noya itches for change, maybe he wants something different every now and then but the contentment he's found in what he has right now is good enough for him. It takes away the stress of his internal strife and his feelings. 

That's one thing Noya's never been motivated to recognize. His feelings and why he seems so eager to walk with Asahi every morning. Why he looks so forward to just watching his friends profile as the sun hits their faces in the morning.

"Yeah, Shes gonna have a busy day I can already tell, she's had three patients go into cardiac arrest in the last hour," he shakes his head, "poor woman hasn't even had breakfast."

"Tell her I said hi and that the pancakes are a delicacy she better appreciate," Noya grins as he finishes scarfing down his food and hands his dad his plate before heading out the door and into the dim outside that gradually begins to lighten, that warm orange sunlight starts to touch the ground as it peeks over the mountains by Karasuno. "Will do," he hears his dad laugh from the kitchen, and he's off.

His feet hit the pavement in anticipation as he nears the corner they usually meet up, paired together by the sure convenience of where they live, just barely a block away from one another. Noya always passes Asahi’s house at least once, to or from practice.

Noya finds him standing by the lamp post, the morning sun shining bright on his face, Asahi's squinting from the fact that the suns in his eyes, and Noya wants to laugh and finds it oddly fond. Asahi’s always looked rather breaktaking in the morning, when the sun decides it's Asahi's turn to glow, after all, his name is the opposite of Noya's. It means morning sun and _rightfully so_ , he thinks.

"Morning Asahi," Noya says, he hopes he doesn't sound groggy, at least he shouldn't he supposed, but Asahi, despite his name, is not a morning person. Noya on the other hand, he's a night owl and a morning person, being awake in general is fine with Noya, because in the end, he hates when days end but finds comfort in seeing the clock and the letters change to am and reassure him tomorrow has come. He's sentimental like that. 

Noya and Asahi's friendship is a complete contradiction in itself, but that's part of what makes Noya so interested. So in love with their friendship.

That word catches in the back of his mind, Love, it's weird. It's heavy. And Noya decides to ignore it in favor of normality.

Asahi's head turns and the light makes Asahi's dark brown eyes warm like honey. Noya makes sure his throat isn't caught when he smiles, his permanent smile is so easy to come by around Asahi, truly around any of his friends. 

That's one thing everyone knows for sure about the libero, he values his friends more than anything. 

"Noya" Asahi smiles, "hi,"

Noya pauses, and he notices instantly the way something's off. Asahi has heavy dark circles under his eyes, his voice sounds tired. 

"Did you get enough sleep last night?" Noya blinks, and they've already started down their route to the school, Asahi looks ahead as they walk, and Noya finds himself staring again at his profile, too perfect for his own good, hair tied back, strong jaw set and eyes forward, tamed, he's so hard edged but so soft hearted. Noya likes it. Noya also notices the way his hand grips his backpack strap like it's a lifeline.

"Not really, college preparatory classes have been kicking my ass," he confesses, "which is weird because I'm still not sure if I even want to go to college,"

"Ah right," Noya nods, he's heard Asahi talk about it a lot, in fact Noya's the one Asahi goes to to vent about his future because he can be sure he won't be judged, because if anyone believes in the freedom of living how you want it's Noya. He has no idea what he plans on doing but even then he knows it'll be something he loves.

"Maybe you should get out of them, you don't wanna make yourself sick with stress," Noya says, he turns his attention back to the path they walk together, passing a chain linked fence that blocks them from a baseball field. They've climbed the fence before just to see if they could. Noya always smiles when he remembers the way Asahi called him ridiculous only for Noya to coax him into doing it a minute later.

"That's true but- my parents would murder me, like Ide be dead if they found out I quit the one thing I have going for me."

Noya rolls his eyes and nudges Asahi in the rib, "that's not true, you have volleyball for you- I figured maybe you'd keep playing after high school, if not major league then minor league- like second division or something,"

Asahi shakes his head, "they think it's a waste of time because I won't be playing volleyball when I'm 40 and supporting a family of 5,"

"5? That's like 3 kids," Noya blinks with wide eyes, "hell no."

"That's even if I get married and can have kids I mean- Jesus," Asahi sounds so tired and Noya wants to help cheer him up before they get to practice, because low energy at practice throws everyone off and Asahi knows it. 

Noya decides to stop his friend in the middle of the sidewalk and stand in front of him with his hands on his arms, Asahi blinks, "Noya what-"

"Fuck them. If these classes are making you a zombie, don't do em, who cares."

"It's not that easy,"

"Doesn't matter, I said what I said and I'm right so if they suck, don't do them."

"I have to graduate-"

"Nope, how about you be a third year forever, then you can stay with me and the others on the team forever too," Noya grins and he wants to jump up and down when he earns the gentlest smile from his friend, "if only I could."

"Who says you can't,"

"Reality," Asahi starts forward, but instead of having Noya's hands drop, he hooks his arm with Noya's and they walk like that for most of the way, Asahi sighs, "though it is a shame you can't shape it the way you want Nishinoya, I'm sure I'd like that reality a lot more than this one."

***

Practice practice practice. They say you need it to become great at something, as if natural talent has nothing on work. Noya's aware that's true, that even if you're naturally talented, anyone with enough hard work and dedication can be just as good, but no one ever considers the mental aspect of all of it. 

Falling down, failing drills, running until you throw up, the conditioning, the losses, the setbacks. It's all a part of the glory that comes with sports and winning and being a part of that extended family- your team. 

So through all of that, the team you stay with helps you get through it. 

They were supposed to help him get through this. They got through the first loss after Seihjoh. They'll get through the next victory they hoped to have. 

They were supposed to help each other. They were all supposed to be there for the first game at nationals. They were supposed to qualify as a whole.

That's how it was supposed to be.

_That’s how it should have went_.

***

"Hey Daichi-" Noya pulls his captain off to the side about 30 minutes into their early morning practice, he's already sweaty and everyones serving back and forth, warming up their arms before they start their serving drill, "Is Asahi okay?"

Daichi looks at Noya oddly, "I'm sure he is- why?"

"He's not getting sleep- are the college classes you guys are taking really that hard?"

"What?" Daichi looks confused for a moment and Noya blinks up at him like it should be obvious, it's a little hard to think when the pound of volleyballs echo through the gym repeatedly. "Is Asahi struggling with them or something?"

"I don't- he said they were tough or whatever and he looks really worn out-"

Daichi glances across the gym where Asahi moves to serve, he doesn't jump serve though, and that alone is enough for Daichi to understand, "he does seem a bit off, but he doesn't seem to have that much trouble in class- I mean he has been more quiet than usual but that’s just him- I'll talk to him after practice," Daichi assured his libero, "why're You so worried?"

Noya looks at him like it should be clear as day, "is that event a question? We're teammates,"

"Right right, I'll make sure he doesn't push himself too hard today if he's really that tired-" Daichi looks at Asahi again, Noya following his gaze, "overexertion can be seriously bad for you."

"Trust me I know," Noya crosses his arms. He's one to know about going too hard. Sometimes it can injure even the toughest of players. 

"He'll be fine though," Daichi smiles and Noya tries to convince himself he's right, "yeah-" Noya nods, "Asahi's strong like that."

***

Asahi had to sit down in the middle of practice. He'd been breathing so shallow that Sugawara thought he was going to pass out. The coach had to force him to sit out before he finally did. 

Noya had brought him water. Noya told him that it was probably because he wasn't getting the rest he needed. 

Noya wishes he’d been right.

***

"Walk home with me after practice?" Noya appears in front of Asahi's desk at lunch, "I'm gonna get you something from sakanoshita," Noya declares and Asahi just scratches his cheek with that small grin Noya's come to adore in a secret way. 

"You don't have to do that Noya,"

"Course I do Azumane, you look like death, and I know the cure to death."

"All this talk about death sounds ominous and morbid, especially since Karasuno's mascot is a crow, very bad omens fellas," Suga appears beside Asahi, scooting his desk over so they could eat together. "You're not supposed to be up hear Noya," Daichi scolds when he arrives in the classroom, "you're a second year, we don't even have the same lunch period,”

"Oh doesn't matter," Noya hums, deciding to drop his food on Asahi's desk and pull up a spare chair so he's in front of his third year teammates who put up with him more than they'd probably like to. But it's better than bugging Ennoshita or messing up Tanaka's chances at flirting with the cute girls in class who invited him to sit with them.

"I'm in physics right now anyways, I don't need to know any of that,"

"Well maybe you do if you don't want to get held back," Suga points at him with his celery stick. 

"That's fine," Noya shrugs, "more time to play volleyball, then I’d be in the same grade as Shoyo next year" 

"Only you would want to get held back to be with your friends," Asahi shakes his head. 

"Go to class Noya," Daichi says.

"Sorry captain, I am not under your command at the moment,"

"You should probably go to class though Nishinoya," Asahi says this time, it's softer, and Noya grins as the looks on Suga and Daichi’s face turn priceless when he says, "okay! Remember, drink water, stay out of trouble, and you're walking home with me-"

"I got it," Asahi laughs and Noya leaves the classroom smiling like an idiot because Asahi's laugh is his favorite sound apart from his moms singing, the whistle in a volleyball match, and the sound of a perfect pass hitting his arms.

***

Afternoon practice starts and runs late, and Noya, despite how much he devotes to the sport, is just ready to go home. 

Asahi ended up having to sit out again for his own good, he kept apologizing but the team was mostly concerned rather than mad, it wasn't anything serious, He chalked it up to being tired and Noya was just glad the coach made him sit out if it helped him. 

He'd become so pale Noya could have sworn he was gonna faint if he didn't get out of the drill immediately.

"It's my fault for not taking care of myself, I'm sorry, it won't happen again-" Asahi says to the coach from the sidelines, Takeda reassures him again and again that they only want him to sit out to rest in case he is actually sick or merely tired. They don't need a teammate hurting themselves and out of commission before the spring prelims, especially not their ace.

Eventually after their last 10 minutes of conditioning, they circle up around Ukai jr and Takeda Sensei to break out before they clean up the equipment, supposedly there's an announcement.

"Okay guys, a good start to the week, we have less than two months left. Two months of practice games and growing, we can do this and if we work hard enough, we'll be on the bus to nationals in no time." Takeda starts, Noya crowds beside Hinata and Tanaka, he meets Asahi's eye across the circle and shoots him a small smile. Tanaka elbows him. 

"Tomorrow we'll get out early because me and the coach have a staff meeting- and Thursday there's a practice game scheduled against Kakugawa," Takeda pauses, "anything else Keishin?"

Coach ukai blinks, "oh, and there's a group of people coming from the medical aide center to run an EKG on people who sign up for it, It's really good for athletes like you guys, who are constantly moving,"

Hinata raises his hand, but Yamaguchi already says, "What's an EKG?"

Daichi pitches in, "it's like a heart scan, just to make sure you're healthy and everything- they do it in America right?"

"Yeah, they're trying to get other countries to start offering it too, It's just a safety thing, you don't have to do it," coach ukai explains, "so paperwork for it is in the staff room at Takeda's desk if you or your parents are interested, it'll be going on Friday before morning practice," 

Everyone nods, not really thinking twice about it, Noya supposes he should tell his parents, maybe it'd be good to check out his heart, make sure it's good. his great grandma did die from a heart attack when he was young, maybe it could happen to him too, then he thinks that he's not an old man so it'll probably be fine.

"Okay-" Takeda says after letting the captain say a few things, "get ready for an easy day tomorrow morning, and some conditioning on Wednesday, good day today guys, go get some rest- especially you Azumane," coach ukai notions at Asahi who smiles timidly and nods.

They break out after calling their team name and the underclassman move to shag up the balls and put up the carts, the net can stay up for now, since they'll be the only ones using the gym for the next week, basketballs off season is out of commission while volleyball gets ready for prelims. 

"Hey Asahi," Noya calls as he throws a volleyball into the basket, "wait up for me okay," 

Asahi nods and gives him the smallest bit of a smile before heading off towards the club room, and Noya stares after him with a weird feeling in his stomach.

"You alright man?" Tanaka passes him briefly, wondering what he's looking at. 

Noya snaps his head around, "yeah, yeah, it's nothing," 

"Okay then come help me and Yachi put up the water container,"

"Right."

20 minutes later and by the time Noya walks into the club room, the third years and most of the second years are already gone, and the sky's darkening to a royal blue hue. It could rain he thinks, with the murky gray creeping up in the distance.

Noya doesn't see Asahi, and part of him thinks he went ahead and left, and then a minute later Asahi's walking out of the club room showers with a towel on his head, "hi," he notices Noya, glancing away when Noya pulls his shirt off over his head. 

"I thought you'd left," Noya sighs in relief, feeling so much better already after getting that sweaty practice shirt off. 

"Oh- no I just hopped in the shower to rinse off- I thought it'd make me feel better," Asahi says, and Noya fixates him with a look, Asahi's looking around, everywhere except Noya. 

"Did it?"

"Not really, my chest kind of hurts," 

Noya pauses, about to pull a white t-shirt over his head. "Is that why you almost fainted earlier?"

"I didn't almost faint,"

"You looked bad Asahi, You should have said your chest hurts,"

"It didn't though-"

"Asahi," Noya eyes him, he's known Asahi for a while and he also knows he won't say anything is wrong with him unless you force it out. He’s so hellbent on pleasing people and acting tough, but even sometimes you have to admit when you don't feel good. 

"Okay fine, I was having troubling breathing but I'm fine now," Asahi smiles and Noya is unconvinced.

"Anyways, you said you had a cure?"

This illicites a smile out of Noya he hadn't planned on giving, "right, let me change and we can go, sorry for holding you up-"

"It's okay," Asahi clears his throat and walks to sit on the bench by his locker next to Noya's, it's nestled between Noya and Daichi's, Tanakas is the other one beside Nishinoya, "no I feel like I'm wasting your time sometimes, you could be home already sleeping,"

"I don't mind having my time wasted," Asahi smiles genuinely, "not if it's you,"

Noya pulls the rest of his shirt over his head, his hair had fallen from its usual style a while ago and now it hangs in his eyes more than ever and he moves a piece so he can see the look Asahi's giving him. 

"Okay," he says softer than he means to. 

***

Thunder claps as soon as Noya and Asahi step outside that evening to walk home, They'd spent more time than they'd meant to in the club room, talking, procrastinating the walk home because that means no more talking about stupid things and no one to listen to Noya's dumb conspiracies about the Mandela effect like Asahi likes to.

Rain comes from the oncoming clouds and pours over the club room and it's awning, it's loud and Noya supposes he should hate it because now he and Asahi have to walk home in the rain and it's partially his fault for messing around while cleaning up the gym, but when he looks over and sees Asahi looking out at the downpour with a small smile he decides he doesn't hate the rain.

"Did you bring an umbrella?" Asahi asks quietly. 

Noya thinks for a moment and then slips back into the club room and grabs the spare umbrella he knows Daichi keeps in case of emergencies. 

"No but I have one," Noya grins, stepping back out under the awning. 

Asahi stares at him, "that's not yours,"

"I'll return it,"

Asahi sighs and decides there's no point in convincing Noya to put it back, besides, he doesn't wanna walk home soaked to the bone. He already feels awful. And walking close beside Noya together doesn't seem like the end of the world to him. 

His breath turns even more shallow and Noya doesn't seem to notice when he grabs Asahi's wrist and pulls him under the umbrella as they walk down the steps, "again it's my bad for keeping us late,"

Noya is aware of how his shoulder brushes Asahi's, or more so his arm due to their height difference, his arm already starts to cramp from holding the umbrella over them.

Asahi looks over at him, the world feels hazy in blue from the rain and the sky turning dark, the suns not out but the two barely care, not when they're so focused on each other, on proximity and the weird feelings buried in their stomachs. Asahi's heart beats weirdly, Noya thinks he can hear it almost. 

Asahi takes the umbrella from Noya to hold over them, rain hits it heavily when they release from the cover of the awning by the club room, and yet they stay dry and Noya feels warm, he feels warm where Asahi accidentally brushes him. 

“I’m sorry.”

"I chose to stay, Noya, don't worry."

"Will your parents be mad?"

"No. Will yours?" 

Noya sighs a breath of relief, "no."

"Then we can still stop for the cure," Noya continues, they talk just loud enough over the rain, walking their usual route like it's muscle memory. 

"Right, the cure to what exactly," Asahi snorts.

"Anything you can think of," Noya beams, "it's something I love,"

"Well, lead the way," 

A couple turns and the rain lets up just enough to sit outside under the awning of a convenience store and Asahi is in a chair with his eyes closed, awaiting Noya to come out of the store.

He leans back, resting his hands on the table in front of him, listening to the rains soften sounds fall around him, his chest feels like there's lead in but, It's like air is struggling to find its way in and out of him. He wants it gone, and the discomfort that comes with all of it.

A moment passes, a heartbeat, and the door chimes and Asahi opens his eyes, knowing a familiar smile will greet him. "I have retrieved the bounty,"

"Bounty?"

"Gari gari kun." Noya presents the two packaged popsicles in all their glory, "for you my friend," Noya slides it over to Asahi. "Seems appropriate," Asahi nods.

"Oh come on, they're good, I figured they'd cheer you up since today hasn't been the most ideal," Noya smiles at Asahi, genuine, caring and Asahi almost feels his chest open up in that moment. Something catches inside him. 

"You're too kind Noya," 

"I'm not!" Noya denies as he sits down, "I'm just- Look, I'm not nice, I'm suave and cool and chill and I do nice things for my friends right, I buy Shoyo ice cream all the team, just cuz you're not my lower classman doesn't mean I can't-"

"Noya," Asahi laughs and Noya's rambling stops mid sentence, as Asahi begins to laugh and laugh and then he coughs and Noya's staring and slight awe turns to concern, "Noya relax, You're allowed to call yourself nice,"

"That's not-" Noya's ears burn. 

"Face it, Noya you're a good guy."

Noya covers his face, "nope! I'm the cool ladies man who doesn't care about anyone!" 

"You're a short, loud volleyball player who cares about his friends," Asahi corrects and when Noya looks up, the grin on Asahi's face is priceless, and he never wants to forget it. Or forget the way his voice sounds when he talks about Noya, or how it makes him feel. 

Noya likes how it feels.

"I'm not arguing with a man who resembles the lord Jesus Christ himself," Noya stares simply and tears open his ice cream, Asahi laughs again as he follows the action, but it dies down after he seems to cough again, Noya's resolve turns to worry once again. 

Because he is worried. His friends laugh is his favorite, and now it's followed by the sound of his chest pain. It's odd. It scares Noya.

It shouldn't scare him, he thinks. 

Maybe he's just getting a cold.

"Did you just compare me to Jesus?"

"No," Noya lies, and grins as he bites into his popsicle, Asahi doesn't seem too fazed, he just shakes his head. 

They settle in silence and there's something that sits between them, comfort, nor formality needed. 

Noya decides he could sit in Asahi's presence all day and never feel anything negative, no insecurities plague him around his friend despite the fact that he's everything Noya used to wish he could be, no feeling like Nishinoya is annoying, nothing except a calming happiness and understanding between the two seemingly polar opposites. They both acknowledge their side of the friendship, that they simply will always be friends even if volleyball isn't in the picture. 

But it still stands, an ace and his libero.

Amidst the silence and the sound of the raindrops hitting the pavement, Asahi holds his popsicle out across the table, "here, to the rain, and better days."

_"To the rain, and better days."_

***

Wednesday morning is when the world starts to become aware. 

It's early, so early the sun is just barely touching the horizon when the team lines up along a trail in their running clothes, it's slightly chilly, they’re all ready to condition outside before the heat beats them to it. 

There's a lot of complaining, mostly from the first years, Noya bouncing and ready to go, Tanaka's a little drowsy and Asahi is another story, he seems dissociated in the simplest sense and Daichi and Suga snap him out of his tired stupor for the most part of their warm up. 

"A mile, it's just a mile, not more than ten minutes of your time at like the slowest jog, just to build stamina for those long rally's you know," coach ukai stands between two lines of 6 groups. Ukai had partnered them up, running buddies to match paces, it's the given, kageyama and hinata, Tsukki and yamaguchi, Daichi and Sugawara, Coach had originally paired Tanaka with Noya but decided that that was too much of a risk and thought either only one would make it back or neither of them would and they'd run off, so he put Tanaka with Ennoshita and decided that Noya was best fit tor Asahi, and he wasn't complaining.

He’d been running partners with Asahi before. Despite their difference in height and most likely speed, they have the same amount of stamina, having to play the entire game with none to very small breaks forces you to have a lot of it.

"Asahi, why do you look like it's a marathon? You've run this course countless times . It'll be fine, Daichi pats his friend on the back. Asahi looks nervous- well more nervous than usual. Suga and Daichi exchange a look while Asahi tries to calm himself, "I know, I just feel a little sick today is all,"

"Did you eat breakfast?" Hinata pops in behind Noya, and Asahi shakes his head. "What?" Noya shouts, "that's so irresponsible, where are you gonna get energy,"

"Yeah you need the enzeemes to burn fuel!" Hinata chirps.

"Its enzymes dumbass," tsukki calls from further up the line, "and that's not even right, It’s ATP, did you even pass basic biology,"

"Shove it Tsukki we can't all be nerds,"

Kageyama snickers from beside hinata but covers his mouth when he sees Tsukki shoot him a glare.

"I can't believe you didn't eat breakfast," Noya shakes his head and Asahi sighs, "give me a break guys,"

"No Noya's right that was stupid," Suga nods.

"What do you want me to do? Go buy cereal right now?"

"Couldn't hurt," Nishinoya shrugs. 

"Alright enough chatter, Let's get ready boys," coach ukai calls them to the start of the trail, Noya and Asahi line up together, Noya reaching over to pat his friend on the back, "you've got this, don't worry, we can go slow."

"I don't need to go slow," Asahi scoffs, "I'll be fine."

I'll be fine. 

"Group 1- and go." Coach calls starting the first time for Daichi and suga, After every few seconds he calls the groups to go so their spread out, Asahi and Noya are last to start, and Noya's glad because Asahi doesn't look his best, He's lagging and he's breathing louder than usual when they run. Noya hangs back a little, making sure he stays with him. 

"Hey we've got it, just a mile, we've got like 75 percent left come on Asahi," he calls after a couple minutes of jogging pass. They're going uphill and they've already lost sight of the second to last group before them, but Noya doesn't mind, if anything he just gets more worried. He's known Asahi's been feeling bad lately, probably a cold, probably the flu or allergies, but he's never really let it affect him this much. If it keeps up, Noya's gonna convince the coach to force him to go home and rest. 

"Come on Asahi, we've got it," he's encouraging him, helping him move forward. Asahi's breathing sounds hard, like he's struggling and Noya eventually gets so worried he says, "maybe we should stop" and yet Asahi just shakes his head and wheezes out a "no we have to keep going,"

And it's almost when they've completed the entire trail that it happens.

I'll be fine.

_"Asahi!"_

He's fallen, and when Noya thinks he's just tripped, Asahi doesn't respond, Noya stands 50 meters away, "are you alright!"

No response and then Noya realizes and assumes the worst as he sprints towards his fallen friend.

He's laying on his side, the part of the trail they're on leads onto the sidewalk by one of the roads, they're close, but not close enough for anyone to help him. "Asahi? Asahi are you- Asahi!" Noya dives onto the ground at Asahi when he realizes he's unconscious, panic seizing at his throat.

"Asahi!- come on wake up- what on earth-" Noya flips him face up with as much force as he can and lays his head in his lap, his elbows are scraped up, his knees and hands are too from hitting the concrete. He's pale, he's so sweaty and his face is so warm, and what scares Noya the most is the way his breath is shallow, and how his heart beats a million miles per minute to the point even Noya can hear it.

Noya can hear his heart beat, it's both reassuring and terrifying.

"Asahi- oh my god shit- fuck." Noya doesn't know what to do, first he knows he needs to get help, he's clueless, he doesn't know what to do but he knows Asahi needs help and Noya is scared. 

How are you supposed to feel when your friend faints, when they aren't waking up and you're alone.

Noya can't just leave him, but his phone is back at the gym, he can't leave Asahi in the middle of the path, he can't leave him alone.

"I'm not leaving you alone, not again," Noya says, he remembers their time apart after their fight like it was the other day, because it'd hurt worse than being suspended from volleyball. Because for that entire time, he thought he was never going to play with Asahi again. He'd never get his partner back.

His ace was unconscious on the ground, and something brought out Noyas softness, tenderness as he cradled Asahi's head. He's never been so nervous, so gentle, it wasn't Noya's style, he was fast moving, immature and he talked all the time, He had confidence and he raised his friends up. He wasn’t a ball of nerves, and he never stopped for anyone.

Noya wasn't scared, he was never unsure. But with Asahi's rapidly beating heart, short breath and closed eyes he's suddenly so unprepared and out of his mind he almost starts to cry. 

"Come on, wake up so I don't have to drag you the rest of the way big guy," Noya says quietly, "we both know this would be easier if you woke up,"

***

When Asahi opens his eyes he has an ice pack on his head, and he's sitting on a bed in an ambulance parked outside of Karasuno high school. He's hooked up to an infusion pump and for once in the last week he doesn't feel like he's exhausted and on the verge of passing out. 

Is that what happened? Did he faint? 

There's someone in the ambulance with him, and after a confusing few moments he realizes it's Kiyoko, sitting in a chair against the wall with a book, the back of the ambulance is open and letting in sunlight, It's warm, Asahi squints, the brightness hurting his eyes. 

The last thing he remembers is trying to catch his breath, and trying to catch himself when he felt his body falling forward and then it went blank. 

He had fainted. He blinked and looked at himself, he'd never done that before, not even after the hardest practices. He'd always been a little less able to catch his breath than others, it messed up even his stamina sometimes, but it's never been this bad. The intense practices leading up to the second round of prelims have gotten so much more intense, but he shouldn't be affected this much. 

Maybe it's his fault, maybe he's not getting enough sleep, or food, or water.

"Kiyoko?" His throat feels dry and scratchy. His chest hurts when he breathes.

She looks up, eyes big when she pushes her glasses up, "Asahi, you're awake, thank god," she stands up, he's never heard her speak that much at once, he hasn't even expected to see her. "Where are the others? What happened?" He has so many questions.

"You fainted- They're talking to the medics, your parents are here too, they needed someone to stay with you in case you woke up," 

"I fainted- when- is Noya okay?"

"Nishinoya?" She blinks, "I mean yeah but Asahi you're the one who passed out, that's never happened,"

"I know-"

"Are you sick or- why didn't you stop if you felt yourself getting faint-"

"Kiyoko- it came out of nowhere okay, I just- I'm sorry for causing such a ruckus," Asahi sighs.

Kiyoko shakes her head, "only _you_ would apologize for fainting," 

***

"You scared me Asahi," Noya says quietly, hugging his arms against him.

"I know." They sat in the back of the ambulance, Practice had been postponed after what happened, eventually Noya had managed to get Asahi the rest of the way after a lot of tugging and stopping and Daichi going to look for them after 10 minutes of them not showing up when they were supposed to. 

They'd called the medics as soon as Asahi didn't wake up after 10 minutes- asherently if someone faints and doesn't wake up within the next minute, it could mean something serious. 

Or it could mean nothing at all.

No one really understands what happened, the medics had assured them he'd wake up after they got fluids in him, they chalked it up to heat exhaustion and dehydration, but something about it still bugged Nishinoya more than anyone. 

Nonetheless, he's excused from practice for the rest of the day. 

Asahi has a blanket around him and a water bottle in his hands, he'd been under strict instructions from Takeda to drink all of it. 

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize stupid," Noya scoffs, "I just want you to be okay, We can't lose our ace before prelims,"

Asahi delivers a weak laugh, "I know I know, I don't know what happened today,"

A moment passes between them, loud silence, there's something noya isn't telling Asahi, he can tell in the way he holds himself, he won't speak, like he's holding himself back.

"The team needs you ya know,"

"I understand," 

"I don't think you do," Noya stands up, moving in front of Asahi to look him directly in the eyes, there's a determination, a spark Asahi wants to engulf himself in. 

"We all need you, we don't need an ace, we have plenty, we need Asahi, strong, dependent Asahi who brings the team up, who encourages everyone, who helps hold us- me together."

Asahi's heart lurches, it's touched, he's never seen this side of Noya. He's always known Noya holds a passion for this sport, for his teammates, but he hasn’t truly seen its extent except for the time they'd fought. 

This is different.

"Okay." Asahi smiles, "I'll take care of myself, I promise."

"Good, and that’s a threat," Noya grins finally and Asahi relaxes, and then without a word he slips off and leaves Asahi alone and a breeze slips by, cooling Asahi off, he doesn't need the blanket, not really, but he feels comfort in it, he feels like he doesn't want to move.

Noya resurfaces a moment later with a popsicle package and stupid smile. "From the teachers office, they have a freezer and Takeda lets me keep popsicles in there if I give him half a yen everytime I get one,"

"Only you would make that deal," Asahi shakes his head as Noya sits beside him again, unwrapping the popsicle and splitting the two sticks down the middle so they each get a side. "Perfect." Asahi says.

"Do you feel okay?"

"Let's not talk about me,"

"Oh come on-"

"Noya just talk about anything except me right now."

Noya looks up at him, they should technically be in school, the medics are still talking with the coach and parents in the gym as the rest of the team gets a little bit of practice in- Noya had begged to be excused to stay with Asahi and make sure he was okay- "fine, about what?"

"Just please talk. Tell Stories, I know you've got those."

Noya laughs, nudging Asahi with his shoulder, "you're right"

***

Asahi shows up to practice the next day, he walks with Noya in the morning, who fusses over him too much for his own good, but Asahi assures him and the rest of his team and friends that he's perfectly fine, he rested up, his parents gave him the clear to continue and that everything could go back to normal. 

Everything was _normal_. 

But it was still there. In the back of everyone's minds, especially when the coach would pull Asahi out of running lines, or out of high extensive drills. 

Everyone could also tell it was getting to Asahi. Being treated like he was, even if they were just looking out for him.

Noya saw it written all over him, insecurity, feeling like he wasn't able to do something was bound to threaten a man's ego and confidence. 

Friday the EKG scan had undergone in the morning, Noya had found Asahi waiting in line outside the gym for it, "you're mom wanted you to?"

He'd nodded and said "apparently heart problems run in the family, this will be a good way to tell if I have any,"

Noya had thought about that for the rest of the day.

***

"Suga, Where are your pants."

"In the washer."

"Why?"

"I spilled soup on them!" Suga grins, and Asahi and Daichi have decided they regret going to Sugawara’s house to study that Saturday, especially when Suga opens the door with just a really long shirt and Asahi has to keep from laughing at how red Daichi becomes and how utterly stupid Suga can be sometimes. 

"Please Koshi for the love of god go put on pants,"

"This is my house, you can't tell me to put on pants,"

"But we're guests, you have to respect us and we kindly ask you-"

"Hardly! You guys practically live here,"

"Not the point," Asahi corrects him.

"You guys just stop being rude and come in," Suga huffs and that's how their weekend starts. 

It's Harmless. It's supposed to be harmless fun and working together to pass their classes, so they can all graduate next semester. So they can get to where they want to be in the future. So the three of them can walk together across the stage. 

The future they're assuming they all get to have.

And then Asahi gets the results from his EKG scan.

***

Noya's late to school that Monday, he'd spent the morning waiting on Asahi at the corner to walk together, and then eventually when he didn't show, Nishinoya went on ahead, cursing mostly and wondering why Asahi bothered not to tell him he wouldn't be showing up. But part of him worried, as he tended to do. 

Noya already had enough tardies that in the case of just even a few more he'll be getting that email from his mom saying she received a truancy letter from the school and who knows what she'll do. His mom is already so busy with her nursing job that she doesn't have time for Nishinoya to make new problems arise.

Morning practice had been canceled because the teachers had another staff meeting, and by second period, Noya texts, and when he checks his phone again at lunch, he still hasn't gotten an answer. 

No answer, no read receipt. Nothing. 

Nishinoya may be nosy, but he thinks he has every right to want to know where his friends are. 

"What's wrong?" Tanaka asks Noya at lunch when he becomes oddly quiet, kicking his best friend's chair. "It's Asahi, he's not answering and he didn't show up today,"

Tanaka swallows his food, "I'm sure he'll be at practice, no one misses practice,"

"But like what if something happened? After last week he kinda worries me," Noya confesses. Tanaka grabs a grape from his lunch and tosses it at Noya, who ducks, resulting in the girl behind them getting a grape to the face. 

"He'll be alright Nishinoya, we're crows, we're tough like that,"

"But what if-"

"Chill man, everything will work out,"

_Everything will work._

Noya's counting on it to be true. 

***

"Hey-" Noya pulls his captain to the side during warm ups of evening practice, "do you know where Asahi is? I haven't heard from him all day,"

Daichi looks like he knows something, Noya doesn't miss the hesitation on his face before Suga comes to his aide, throwing an arm around him and giving Noya the most convincing answer he can. 

"He had to stay home today, Doctors orders."

"He's sick?" Noya yelps.

"Something like that,"

***

Nishinoya doesn't care that it's late when practice ends. He also doesn't care that he's shown up on the Azumane doorstep univinted. What he does care about is Asahi and maybe he can't find a very reasonable explanation for how obsessive he's being over his friend other than the excuse that they're just friends who look out for each other.

Noya would do the same for tanaka, he tells himself. He'd be worried too if what happened to Asahi happened to Ryuu, if it happened to hinata. There's nothing different in how Noya feels. 

Noya wishes he could be more convincing to himself.

He taps his foot nervously as he knocks on the door, he's only ever been to Asahi's house once when Asahi had agreed to help him to study for midterms last year. 

Noya has seen his family around too, Noya knows Asahi has an older sister, he also knows his dad works him to the ground and his mother expects much more from Asahi than she does from his sister. He knows all of this because he knows Asahi, because he's told him this and Noya just wants to know, standing there waiting for an answer, what was going on.

It's supposed to be normal. It's supposed to be a normal day like the rest, tomorrow is supposed to come and be normal too because Noya can count on it, he can count on the sun rising in the same place and setting in the same place.

He thought he could count on Asahi as a constant too, but the longer he spends away from his friend the more faded that constant becomes.

Noya's world isn't supposed to stop that day.

"Oh! You're Asahi’s friend," a girl opens the door, long hair like Asahi, softer features, bigger forehead, "are you here for him?"

Noya blinks, it's his sister, "I- is he home? He missed practice today, I wanted to know if he's alright,"

"Aww thats sweet," she smiles, "yeah he's home, Let me just-" she pauses, leaning back and covering her face with the door as she calls back into the house, "mom! Asahi has a friend here! He wants to see him!"

Noya moves in place slightly, he’s not per say, an awkward person, but it's still an oddly nerve wracking situation, who knows how Asahi's family feels about him. 

And for some reason the thought that it could be negative at all made his stomach hurt. 

A second passes and an older shorter woman appears by the girl, smiling slightly, "hi dear,"

"Hi Mrs. Azumane, I'm nishinoya- i think we've met before-"

"Oh I know who you are," the lady waves him off, she has a kind voice, gentle and stern like Asahis, but more feminine, more motherly. "My son talks about you all the time- i've seen you at games too- you're that quick little libero," 

Noya feels odd under her gaze and praise, not like he usually did under Asahis. "Yeah," he goes for a laugh, "that's me."

She lets out a breath and the girl who's stood back dismisses herself, leaving Noya with Asahi's mother in the doorway of the house, a warm smell comes from inside, wafting out and circling Noya's head, and he realizes just how hungry he is. 

"So I'm cooking dinner- Asahi is up in his room, would you stay and eat with us?" She invited him in and Noya has never been so impolite he neglected to accept free food. 

"Of course, my parents are working late tonight anyways, so it would've just been take out," he smiles, slipping off his shoes before entering past the threshold onto the carpet. Mrs Azumane smiles at him, "sounds good, it'll be done soon-" she pauses, "thank you for coming to see Asahi, I'm sure it'll help him a lot,"

"Is he alright? Like did something happen?"

An undetectable look passes over her aging face, but she wipes it away as soon as she realizes she's even showing her emotions visibly and turns guarded, "well- sort of, Just go easy on him."

Noya's not sure if he wants any context at all or not.

***

Noya knocks on the door to Asahi's bedroom, hesitant, curious and all out agitated because Asahi has had the nerve to ghost him all day when he's just been home.

"Suna?"

"Eh, take a second guess," Noya stupidly mimics a buzzer noise because he's Noya and a small grin spreads across his face when Asahi's muffled reply comes, "wait- Nishinoya?"

Noya opens the door to Asahi's bedroom. It hasn't changed a lot since he's last been in there, except one thing that briefly catches Noya's eye are the prescription bottles on his bedside table next to his framed photograph of him, Suga and Daichi as first years. 

And what else Noya sees immediately is the bags under Asahi's tired eyes and how Asahi sits in his bed, hair ruffled, like he hasn't left it at all.

The first thing that comes to Noya's mind is Asahi's mental health, there's been time periods where he’s struggled with manic and depressive episodes that worsen with his anxiety, Asahi's told him about them and the teams dealt with them every now and then. They’d been managed quite enough that he hasn't had one in months; however this was starting to look concerning to Noya and he sort of just takes a moment to stare at his friend. 

Asahi always looks handsome in a way anyone could agree with, he was always tall, always broad and manly with his stubble and hard edges, but in that moment, he truly looked awful.

"Where have you been?" Noya gets right to it, putting his hands on on his hips with too much of a sassy demeanor that Asahi would take him seriously, "you didn't answer my text and then I even texted you what Johnny depp movie you preferred because that's important and you still didn't answer,"

"Yeah why did you text me that?" Asahi furrows his eyebrows and Noya sighs in mock exasperation.

"not the point Asahi, what's up? I asked Suga and Daichi why you became MIA all of a sudden and they were definitely not helpful and then you know Tanaka and Shoyo nor Tsukki were either but like you could have at least said something-" Noya's rambling is paused by atired laugh. A laugh Noya's loved since he heard it for the first time, even when it sounds drained beyond belief.

"You were really worried about me?"

Noya's ears suddenly feel hot, "well duh! I came to hold you responsible for missing practice, that's all," Noya crosses his arms, and Asahi just shakes his head, and he shifts his feet over on the bed, "go ahead- sit,"

Noya pauses at first, looking for any sign on Asahi's face that he was struggling, He looked happy with that smile, but part of Noya knew it had to be forced. He wanted to know what was going on, but Asahi wasn't obligated to tell him.

Noya sits, pushing Asahi's legs over a little more and turning to face the boy, who leans back against his head board.

"Do you remember the last time I missed practice?" Asahi says quietly. Noya pauses, staring at the boy's face, something bothers him but he can't place it.

His mind draws a blank, before Asahi continues in a soft voice Noya wants to keep with him forever. 

"We'd had the fight, I'd wanted to- and did- quit and you know who showed up then to ask me why I didn't come?"

It clicks and Noya tries not to smile, "it was me."

"You're always up my ass about being tough and showing up, and you know I couldn't thank you enough for it-" 

"Hey- teammates are supposed to do that-" Noya buts in but Asahi shakes his head- it makes Noya lean back.

"it's different with you, You were the first one to find me when I didn't show up, sure Suga came to me later to get me to come back, but you were first, and here you are, the first one to come see me," Asahi makes it more sentimental than Noya meant for it to be, but what he says is true. Noya has believed in Asahi since day one and will make sure he's his best self even if he's rude in the process. He's blunt and Asahi's sitting here appreciating him for it.

Noya's aware his face is oddly hot as he waves Asahi off in the most subtly way he can, "whatever- You know I care, you're one of my closest friends,"

"Yeah, and you're one of mine,"

They smile at each other, just sitting in a comfortable silence that Noya hopes doesn't turn awkward. "Asahi?"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you come to school? Or practice? Why didn't you text me?"

Asahi's face shifts and his eyes move to the floor. 

"I went to the doctor,"

"Are you sick? Is it about what happened last week? I thought you were okay?" Noya's quick to jump on him, suddenly forgetting about manners or personal space as he grabs Asahi's shoulders, Asahi trying his best to force a lighthearted laugh, "I'm okay, but it kind of is about what happened,"

"Well go on, don't leave me hanging man," Noya borderline shakes his friend. 

Asahi sighs and reaches over his nightstand, pulling out a piece of paper. It has a lot of words on it, and Noya just stares blankly at it, not sure what it's saying. Or what it means.

"What does this do?" Noya asks after Asahi hands him the paper. 

Asahi chuckles dryly, "it's a report, my EKG results," 

Noya blinks, something starting to process, "oh right, I never asked what yours were- mine were normal, I just assumed the rest of the teams were too-"

"Mine weren't-"

"-and like it was just a thing to make sure we're all heart healthy and not susceptible to like sickness-"

"Noya mine weren't."

Noya stops mid sentence, eyebrows furrowing as what Asahi's saying gets through his head, "what?" His voice comes out small.

"They found a heart murmur," Asahi says so quietly Noya almost needs him to repeat it. But he doesn't, because Noya still heard him and he half understands, halfway doesn't. He knows whatever that is isn't normal, and that the other half is that it can't be good.

"A- a heart murmur?" He hopes he doesn't sound stupid for not necessarily knowing what that is. All he can really focus on is that something must be wrong if it meant he had to go to the doctor. 

"It uhm- it could be harmless you know, most of the time they are, but still if you hear one when you aren't like exercising then you should check it out to be safe- One showed up on the EKG ya know-"

"But what is it? Is this one not serious? Asahi you're-"

"I'm okay for now- it's like the sound of your heart, but it detects abnormalities or diseased valves, most of the time you'd hear it like when you're exercising and stuff but..." Asahi trails off, and Noya doesn't understand why he won't meet his eyes.

"This one- they also detected an arrhythmia, like something was weird with my heart- So I went to the doctor for some tests and we got results back pretty fast-"

"Asahi-"

Asahi keeps going, even though Noya's stomach starts to sink realizing that there must have been a reason Asahi wasn’t at school. There has to be a reason for all those pills on his table.

"They don't know what it is yet specifically, But whatever's happening- It makes my heart struggle to like pump blood, That's why I fainted the other day, and why I've been like struggling to breath during conditioning,"

It clicks and Noya doesn't know what to say, "what does this mean? Are you going to be okay? Can you still play volleyball?"

Noya has so many questions but the weight in his stomach makes it hard to ask them. He isn't sure what this means- but it sounds scary and Noya isn't fine tuned with scary situations.

"I'm okay Nishinoya- it's stressing my parents out pretty bad, My moms dad died from a heart disease so she's especially stressed out-"

"Asahi- I'm so sorry- That doesn't mean you will-"

"I know," Asahi laughs dryly, "it's just, everyone's so worried when their not the ones with a sick heart,"

Noya's words die in his throat, there his friend is, A glass hearted ace turned even more fragile in the most literal sense. 

Noya should have known it would be Asahi's heart, so full and kind that it just can't handle all of what the world has to throw at him. 

But Noya also knows how tough his friend can be, how Asahi won't give up because his heart beats a little irregularly. 

"Are you still playing?" Noya asks again, that's the answer he wants the most, is he getting his ace back or is he losing him to circumstance.

"Yes Nishinoya," Asahi smiles softly, "I just- I have to take it a little easier- if my chest hurts or I feel close to fainting- I have to stop and rest, I got prescribed some meds to help regulate whatever's going on with my heart, so I should be okay. Nothings changed." Asahi talks like he's trying to convince more than Nishinoya, like he's trying to make it real. 

Nothing has changed. "Just a little setback ya know, all the more reason to fight for nationals," Asahi grins and Noya sits back on his heels. His chest feels tight with concern, stress, dread, all the things you feel when you've gotten news you don't understand how to handle. Imagine how Asahi feels he thinks, Imagine having your life be put on the balance like that, Over work yourself once and your heart gives out.

"Your hearts sick?" Noya asks in a small voice after a moment of quiet passes between themselves.

Asahi leans forward and gently takes Noya's hand, something about the gesture speaks volumes but still nothing at all, Noya doesn't blush, he doesn't stutter, he just feels his chest crack a little when Asahi nods,

"Yes Noya, my heart is sick,"

***

"Look who decided to show up," Tanaka remarks when Asahi's at practice two days later. They have almost 3 weeks before the next round of prelims and everyones getting more tense the closer it gets. 

"Asahi-Senpai! You're alive!" Hinata rejoices and Kageyama nudges him, "he wasn't dead dumbass he was just out of commission,"

"Didn't know the king knew such big words," Tsukki snickers

" quiet four eyes-" hinata says and Daichi sighs, 

"chill guys, welcome back Asahi, are you feeling better?" 

Asahi gives a wholesome thumbs up and Noya's face stays still, he knows for a fact he probably isn't, in fact he's glad to have Asahi back at practice but something makes Noya want to force Asahi to sit out so he doesn't over do his heart. 

But then Noya realizes that he can't let that hold Asahi back, Asahi knows too. They just have to play it as safe as they can. 

The team doesn't know about Asahi's problem, But from the way Suga and Daichi look at each other and the way they act around Asahi- Noya assumes Suga and Daichi do.

"Was that why you were out, you were sick?" Ennoshita asks, hinata nodding as if he were about to ask the same thing.

Coach ukai cuts in, finishing zipping up that same red and yellow track suit as he addresses his team, "Azumane was pretty sick but he's doing better- but we have to be easy on him for now, don't worry guys,"

"Yeah I'm good," Asahi smiles, scratching the back of his neck. Suga slaps him hard on the shoulder, "good to have our ace back, now let's go get a few reps in so you aren't rusty-"

"It was only a few days Suga," Daichi grumbles and coach ukai takes that as Segway into warm ups, and practice starts, Noya focuses as hard as he can manage, but it still doesn't mean he doesn't get that odd feeling of concern when Asahi has to stand on the sidelines after a running drill, or how he can only serve half as much as he used to without getting winded. 

***

It hits Noya two days later when Asahi has to miss school for a doctor's appointment. It hits him that he doesn't know how much time he could have left with Asahi, that any moment his heart could fail. He doesn't understand his condition completely, Asahi's only told him and his other friends that his heart just struggles sometimes- that he has to be gentle with it, But the more Noya thinks- The more he realizes that Asahi has a timeline that's not set in stone. 

It hit him when he'd overheard Daichi and Suga at lunch. 

"He said it's something called like cardiomyopathy- apparently it's not too big a deal- but He won't tell us that it can be harmful,"

"Harmful? Is he able to die from it? That's serious Daichi," Noya listens to Sugas voice waver, they’re in the stairwell. Noya's crouched on the steps leading up, blocked by the railing as Daichi and Suga sit on the first step leading to the bottom after the platform by the window, "I know- he's keeping stuff from us- apparently it can be genetic- Underlying conditions gradually get worse over time before you start to feel the effects- I asked my mom, she said cardiomyopathy can result in death-"

"Like suddenly?"

"Like suddenly," Daichi's voice sounds broken. "We just have to hope Asahi's a special case- she said that sometimes life expectancy for people with heart problems aren't always low- especially since Asahi's mostly healthy you know,"

"Daichi what are we gonna do? We've just found out our friend has been put on the death clock-"

"Suga don’t say it that way, everything should be fine, how did you deal when your aunt got cancer?"

"I supported her along the way, I was there for her- but- it still was scary-"

"Exactly, we just have to be there for him- and Asahi's the strongest person we know, so, he'll get through this,"

Sugas voice goes quiet, Noya feels a lump form in his throat at the conversation, as it hits him. Asahi could die. 

He could die because his heart could give up on him. 

How unfair was the world that it was thinking about killing someone with the biggest heart imaginable. 

***

Tanaka tells Nishinoya he's irrational.

Turns out, Tanaka heard from Daichi what was actually going on with Asahi, and to be fair Noya assumed the whole team would find out eventually- they were just holding off in the case they reacted like Noya- Freaking out because it’s more serious than what Asahi and the other third years are letting on.

"Tanaka I've been researching it- You can't know for sure when someone with a heart condition like cardiomyopathy will wake up- like yeah okay maybe it can just be a little chest discomfort but sometimes-"

"Noya you don't ever do research for your classes but the one time you do, it makes you lose your head," Tanaka sighs, setting the ball high as Noya passes it, they’re peppering outside the school during lunch- Noya needed a distraction, he's spent all day worrying and he misses when he wasn't so affected by what Asahi did. Why was this hitting him as hard as it was?

Noya doesn't worry. He takes life with grace. So why does he feel so helpless with this.

Why?

"I'm not losing my head," Noya takes a step, body low to dig up a downball Tanaka accidentally hit too short, "I'm just- he's our teammate, He's my friend and I don't want him to-"

"Die?"

Noya misses the returned pass and the ball falls between his hands as he goes to set it. "I-"

"Noya he's fine I promise- Like the coach said- We just have to be easy with him, everything's still the same."

Still the same. 

Noya goes quiet, an odd moment when it's Noya and Tanaka, the silence usually doesn't ever settle between them together, but whatever has Noya so in his head must be heavy if it's enough to make even him quiet. 

Tanaka sees this, sees Noya crouch to pick up the volleyball that lay in the grass at his feet, and watches Noya pause as he stares at the stitching and the material of the ball under his fingers. 

Tanaka takes a few steps forward, something making too much sense for him not to say something. "Noya- is there more going on?"

Noya's head snaps up, sharp eyes cutting through Tanaka, "what do you mean?"

Tanaka crouches to become eye level with Noya, who's yet to stand with the ball.

"Is there a reason you're being so crazy about all this?"

"I'm not being crazy," Noya stands abruptly, hands tightening around the volleyball, Tanaka follows.

"So it’s crazy to care for a friend? No, I'm just- tanaka I-"

"Noya calm down-" Tanaka laughs, "we all care for Asahi you know, but it's very obvious the way you're supposedly caring for him is a little different,"

"Different how?" Noya becomes defensive, and Tanaka doesn't waste a second, "I think you and him are different than what The rest of the team is," Tanaka grins, swiping the ball from Noya's limp hands as he gaps at Tanaka, "that didn't answer my question!"

"Figure it out Mr. Guardian deity," tanaka snickers and as if on cue, just to make Noya's life more frustrating, the bell rings and Tanaka turns to jog away before Noya can belabor him for more context. 

Noya's never been the brightest, sure he's intelligent when it comes to volleyball, to cheering up his friends, but he's never been very good at picking up context clues. 

"Damn you Tanaka for being so vague," he mumbles as he kicks at the grass with his ratty tennis shoe.

***

Asahi corners Nishinoya after practice that Friday, they have a few more weekends of rest before the prelims, and Noya is getting more and more jittery, it'll be their last preliminaries with the third years- and of course if that wasn't already bittersweet enough, Noya's trying to process that Asahi has become even more physically fragile than before. 

But amongst the time that passes, When Noya catches Asahi taking all these medications with big words like Metoprolol, Amiodarone, and Digoxin, and watches him lean over to catch his breath after passing drills and penalty laps for practice games, he seems to be trying not to let it hold him back. He keeps playing, he keeps being the star noya knows he is.

The ace doesn't fall that easily. 

"Stay over this weekend," Asahi tells Noya when it's just them left in the club room, Nishinoya stares up at him in slight shock and awe.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Asahi turns shyer than normal, "I uh- My mom thinks since this whole heart thing has been messing with me like mentally or whatever, it might be good for me to spend time with friends ," Asahi explains, "I really need a distraction Nishinoya."

"And you want me to be a distraction?" Noya smiles, "I am pretty good at being distracting,"

"You're the person I thought of when she told me to spend time with someone who helps me forget about bad stuff," 

Noya's heart jumps, and he almost puts a hand on his chest as if to tell it to settle. His eyes search Asahi's face for any falsehood, but there's only genuineness. 

"Okay, Asahi. I'll stay with you,"

***

"Are you okay Asahi?" Noya asks softly when they finally get to his bedroom, Noya leans against the windowsill as Asahi falls back on his bed with a sigh, "yeah, I've been really tired today, and I've been having trouble breathing-"

"Is your heart acting up?" Noya jumps up, but Asahi sits forward and leans back on his hands, "calm down Noya," he laughs, "it's just some side effects from my meds-I'm fine."

Noya mumbles as he looks around the room, "I wish people would stop saying that,"

***

Friday night, Asahi and Nishinoya decide to camp out in his backyard on a giant blanket. 

They sit outside under a large dark mass with sparkling lightning bugs stuck up in the sky, with Asahi's dog and his older sister bringing them take out for dinner. It's sweet, and Noya finds himself smiling, relaxing the longer he spends time with Asahi, he forgets his friends days could be numbered just like Asahi forgets he was ever sick in the first place.

Noya tells stories, tells countless of ridiculous recounts of his and Tanaka's adventures that always result in either one of them in police holding, grounded, or the one time they came home soaked and each of them missing a left shoe. Asahi listens, and laughs and Noya desperately searches for the answer to the jump in his stomach when he hears it. It makes him want to keep telling stories. 

Eventually, Noya checks his phone and it reads midnight in Japan, but that doesn't stop Nishinoya from nudging Asahi with his shoulder, "let's go,"

Asahi's half asleep, looking at the stars, he sits up, "go where?"

Noya grins, "anywhere,"

***

They end up sneaking out of the fence and walking the quiet, dark streets of the Tōhoku region, shoulder to shoulder, the backs of their hands brush but they keep talking and staring at the sky. 

Noya's breath hitches everytime the moon's light catches Asahi's face, and he's so completely unaware of how unreal he looks. A part of Noya knows how insecure Asahi is, how his self image is probably no where near the way it should be when Asahi's so incredible already. 

"Asahi, What do you think about yourself?" Noya asks idly as they exit a 24 hour convenience store, Noya had enough change in his pocket for one two stick popsicle, and he awaits Asahi's answer as he unwraps it.

"That's a funny question,"

"It's a serious question," Noya corrects as he breaks the popsicle in half, handing it to Asahi. 

They walk towards the less suburban part of Tōhoku, more so near Karasuno in general, There's a street heading into the main cluster of buildings lined with Sakura trees, Noya's always imagined a perfect date walking under them. 

But maybe walking amongst them at midnight with a popsicle and his death susceptible friend was okay too.

"Why?" Asahi asks, gait slowing. 

Noya's arm brushes Asahi's, goosebumps making him nervous as he takes a bite from his popsicle, "because I want to know,"

Asahi hums, "I don't know...I don't see myself as anything special, That's really all there is too it, im kinda deceptive ya know, with my looks and athletic ability," 

"What do you mean?" Noya's eyebrows furrow and he's close to cutting him off to shut him down from talking low about himself, but he lets him finish. 

"Just that, people expect me to be cool, and tough and like- a hardass you know, and I look strong and everything but now I can't even run two laps without having to stop or I'll faint, it makes me mad," Asahi shakes his head. "I'm not special."

"That seems like a lot of bullshit you're talking about there," Noya says simply as he finishes his popsicle in three bites total. Asahi looks down at him with wide eyes. Noya stops him, they've got to the edge of the Sakura road, and the street lamps and few stores still open illuminate them just enough for Noya to make sure Asahi receives the look he gives him. 

It's also enough to show Noya how much Asahi blushes when he tells him everything. 

"You are special you dummy- And anyhow you can't control half of that, I mean have you seen yourself on the court though? You're incredible and you are strong, and- You didn't get to choose how your heart turned out okay? You're dealing with it in a way that's so strong and I'm-" Noya's face turns hot, "I'm-"

He doesn't know what he wants to come out of his mouth. But something is slowly hardening into stone after letting itself sit in the back of his head for so long, something residing in him all this time.

"It's okay Noya," Asahi says softly, and he's grabbed Noya's outstretched hand he hadn't realized had been raised to try and touch Asahi's face. Is this normal for friends? 

What part about either of them was normal. 

"You don't have to finish."

Noya realizes he just wishes Asahi could see himself from nishinoya's point of view.

***

They end up at an empty laundry mat. It's open but the lights are out, Or whoever the person that was in charge of locking up didn't do a very good job. 

They sit atop the dryers, they’re empty and quiet, and a red neon sign from a bar across the street shines through the glass windows onto their faces. 

They talk, and they sit in comfortable silence. Noya just liked Asahi's company. It's different with him than with Tanaka, than with hinata or Suga and Daichi. It's special.

And then when Noya looks over, he finds Asahi crying. It's silent, a quiet type of cry that tells Noya it's hurting the most, his chest cracks a little more and Asahi wipes at his face.

Noya scoots as close as ever and holds Asahi even closer, he doesn't ask for permission and he's grateful when Asahi covers his face in the crook between Noya's shoulder and his neck.

Noya holds the back of his head as Asahi cries quietly, not asking for an explanation, just letting him know that he’s there. 

"Why do I have to be the one with a weak heart," he whispers when he pulls away, the red light hits his face and the wet stream of tears along his cheek. His hair is sticking to his face, he's a mess, but it's at that moment Noya realizes it, and he hates that it took him this long to do it. 

He loves Asahi, and he'd do anything in the world to see him smile. He'd do anything for Asahi, he knows this and always will. 

Who would have known he'd give his heart away to someone like him. 

"You can take my heart if you’d like," Noya cradles his face, hoping he doesn't make Asahi uncomfortable, but Asahi just leans into Noya's palm, Noya uses his thumbs to wipe away at the hurt that washes his face clean, a broke laugh escapes him in the quiet, "if only I could, but you need that for yourself," he presses a hand to Noya's chest and Noya leans forward to hug his friend.

“I don’t care,” Noya whispers, remembering something Asahi had said to him before. “Not if it’s you.”

He can feel the beat of Asahi's heart, it scares Noya because it skips, and it skips and flutters but not in the way he knows is normal. 

A dangerous Arrhythmia could detect a heart disease. The words from the screen he'd read just a few days ago burns behind his eyelids. 

"You'll be okay, you'll be okay." Noya thinks if he says so enough, it'll be true. 

Asahi answers in a soft, wary voice, "I don't know if that's true."

***

Saturday comes, Asahi and Noya don't leave each other's side, they play games with Asahi's family, it's almost as if everything's normal. 

"Asahi?"

Asahi looks up from his back porch steps, they were in his backyard again, Noya passes to himself with an old volleyball Asahi had since middle school. 

"Yes Noya?"

Noya makes a face, "You have a dream don't you?"

Asahi blinks, looking back down at the book he was reading, "No not really"

Noya doesn't believe him. "How? Doesn't everyone have something they want to achieve? Even if they don't realize it?"

Asahi stands up, setting down his book and nearing Nishinoya, taking the ball from his hands, Noya holds his breath at the way Asahi looks down at him. 

"What about you then,"

Nishinoya already knows. "I want to travel the world, And I want to fall in love."

Asahi gives him a tilted smile, "That's sweet, I'm sure you'll get there."

"I'm already halfway you know,"

"Noya I don't recall you traveling the world."

"That's not what I meant," Noya takes a small breath, looking up towards the clouds.

***

Saturday night they sleep up in Asahi's room. 

Noya lays awake, He usually values his sleep, but he sees the way Asahi rests uneasily, how he breathes weirdly, but there's a peacefulness in the way the light from the moon turns blue because of Asahi's curtains and shines on his face. The red, the blue, the sunlight, it all shines on Asahi in a way that Noya adores. 

He's worried for him. He loves him and he wants to tell him that. But he isn't sure he can. He sleeps on a pallet on the floor rather than beside Asahi in his bed, even if he wouldn't have taken up much space. 

Noya rolls over, facing Asahi, and time is still in the sleepy quiet. A beat passes, and Asahi wakes, eyes settling on Noya, who's almost finally asleep.

"Noya," he says in a tired voice, something shines in Asahi's eyes when he props himself up. 

"You're my best friend." 

Noya sees it. He can hear it in the quiet, See it in the dark. They are special. The two of them. 

_The libero and his ace._

***

Tomorrow comes and When Noya wakes up, Asahi's lacing up his tennis shoes, he's wearing his Karasuno jogging suit, his hair is tied back and Noya feels like he's missed something. The suns just barely starting to rise, the moon is still trying to escape.

"Hey Nishinoya," he says quietly, he hasn't even turned his bedroom lights on. 

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going for a run," he smiles, and stands as if he's going to leave Nishinoya on his pallet on the floor. 

"But-" Noya has a moment of confusion, "what about your-"

"I'm taking something back for myself." He declares, "I don't want to feel like whatever I have can keep me from doing anything. So I'm gonna go run, and I'll run till I can't,"

"Asahi that's so irresponsible-"

Asahi snorts, "someone's starting to sound a lot like Daichi, Nishinoya since when have you ever been against irresponsibility," 

Noya wants to laugh, but he stops himself, "since it was you and your life on the line"

Asahi's face falls and Noya's risen off the floor to grab his wrist and look him in the eye, what a great morning call. 

"Noya- even if- I just can't live whatever time I have left being cautious. You of all people should understand that."

He's right. And Noya knows where this is coming from. He wants to live. He wants to live while he has the chance and who is Noya to hold him back. 

"Fine." Noya says, "but I'm going with you."

And they set off on a run together that morning, heading towards the rising sun side by side, chasing dawn like it may never come again.

***

There is a week until prelims. 

Things are looking so much better than before, Noya's finally coming to terms with Asahi's condition, and Asahi has seemed to accept it too. There's an unspoken thing between them, and Noya, usually very blunt and straightforward, yearns to make it spoken. He wants to let Asahi know how much Noya cares. 

That he's more special than anyone, more than just a teammate to him. 

But he doesn't know where to start. 

"Ryuu?" Noya kicks his friend's foot who sits in the desk next to him, they're in their last class of the day before practice, and Noya's finally gotten so impatient with himself he's decided to go to someone who will be more straightforward with him than his own self. 

"Yeah dude?" Ryuu leans over, looking expectantly, he'd been busy throwing crumpled up paper at Ennoshita from across the room with quotes regarding big butts and not lying, and Ennoshita was busy ripping them up and sighing. 

"You're in love with Kiyoko." He clarifies as if the world doesn't know and Tanaka laughs, "duh, why?"

"Well I-"

"Hold up- I know you like her too and bro code and everything but I'm not sure I can give her to you that easily-"

"No-" Nishinoya cuts him off, "just- When are you going to tell her? When do you know it's right?"

Tanaka gives him a peculiar look, "uh- I don't know, I mean I've confessed before, but she always says that I should give it time before I expect any reciprocation,"

"Really? So you've been rejected countless times and still pursue her?"

Tanaka thinks about, "I mean yeah, but I'm not giving up- if you love someone you just gotta tell em."

"How though?"

Noya tries not to act suspicious, but sometimes his best friend can see right through him, "is there-" he pauses and they stare at each other in a silence that says Noya's slowly panicking as the usual educationally challenged Air headed Tanaka figures out something he's probably known from the beginning.

"Oh, I see," a stupid grin appears on Tanakas face and Noya slaps him on the shoulder, "you see what?"

"You're in love-"

"Am not!"

"Boys-" the teacher calls from her desk at the front, she'd let the class loose for free time for the rest of the period "-settle down please."

"Sorry," Noya says, and sends a half menacing glare towards Nishinoya. 

"Okay okay" Tanaka laughs, "but in theory-"

"Fine-" Noya probably shouldn't break that easily, but he does because Tanaka would have gotten it out of him anyways. 

"So what- I need-" Noya huffs, "advice."

"Okay- tell Asahi you love him."

"What!?"

"Boys!" The teacher scolds once more and Nishinoya winces, "sorry-"

"Keep your voice down-" he glowers at Tanaka once more who's too busy trying to hold in his laughter. 

"So I take it I'm right, it is Asahi."

Noya wants to scrub the redness from his face and wash away the heat that envelops his ears. He has to be literally on fire he thinks, there's no other explanation as to why he suddenly feels so hot. "Okay and? Are you not weirded out?"

"Why would I- oh is it because Asahi's a guy,"

"Well-"

"Dude that doesn't matter, did you think I'd care?"

"Well no but-"

"Okay, so It's simple- confess, and if Asahi turns you down, just stay friends,"

"Okay and then just live with the constant reminder of my unreciprocated love for the rest of the time I'm on the team with Asahi,"

Tanaka shrugs, "I mean basically,"

Noya lays his head down on his desk, "god you are so much help."

***

Asahi collapses that afternoon in practice, and it's then Noya comes to terms with the fact that he has only so much time with Asahi before the tomorrow comes when Asahi isn't a part of it. Noya realizes he needs to tell him. 

God what horrible timing. Why'd his heart have to wait until now to let it become clear to him. He's stupid he thinks, stupid for waiting so long. 

Asahi wakes up in the infirmary with Noya holding an ice pack to his head. Through the evening sun cutting through the window and illuminating onto Nishinoya’s face and the dust particles floating around, Asahi realizes just how cared for he is. 

Noya sits on his bedside, a heavy mass in his throat the longer Asahi is asleep. He'd lost consciousness in the middle of a long rally when they'd been doing a practice game against each other, Suga had gone to set the ball and Asahi had fallen- he'd hit his head hard against the gym floor and Noya was too late to try to catch him, eventually Daichi and Suga helped him and Takeda take Asahi to the nurse- now it had been a matter of waiting for him to wake up.

"Hey," Asahi’s voice is faint. 

Noya let's out the heaviest breath imaginable, "you gotta stop stressing me out dude," 

"Sorry," he smiles at Noya, head rolling to the side, he's laying down, and the cold ice pack on his head feels nice, what's even nicer is Noya looking down at him and his free hand resting on his shoulder.

"It's fine- Did you realize you were pushing yourself too hard?"

Asahi closes his eyes, "no- I mean of course I did, but I thought I'd get past it"

"Asahi-" Noya's about to start his lecture but he stops him.

"please- I know it's irresponsible, but it's my life okay, besides I'm never gonna hear the end of it from Daichi, or Takeda, so please, Just, let me live"

"You aren't gonna keep living if you don't take care of yourself," Noya mumbles. 

"I'm going to be okay Noya."

"When are you gonna realize that what you have is real Asahi," Nishinoya finally snaps, and Asahi's eyes blow open, Noya's hands have moved away and he's stood from sitting beside him, his arms are crossed and he looks almost as irritated as when they had the fight back after their date tech match.

"You can't keep treating it like it's just gonna go away, or that it's just something you can walk off- this is serious Asahi and you of all people should realize it."

"Nishinoya-" Asahi starts, sitting up, his face becomes more guarded the more Noya snaps, Noya can get carried away, he knows, but the amount of concern he has for Asahi has built up so much and watching Asahi treat his life like it's expendable is becoming too frustrating to keep letting it happen.

"No! You can't just- you have to realize that there's people who care about you and want you to be okay, so acting like this heart disease or whatever isn't a big deal isn't going to work because doing that makes your days numbered." Noya's jaw is set, his heart on fire, his throat is on the verge of breaking. 

"Why are you acting like you're the only one being affected? Why does it matter to you so much? I should be able to live how I want and if I want to live whatever life I have left like I always have then let me!"

"No!" Noya takes a step forward, Asahi moves his legs to the side, trying to get to his feet so he can look over Noya, so he can feel less weak. 

"Not if it kills you-"

"So what if it does! The team can replace me- I'm not as important as you say I am- you're just delusional in the idea that I am special-"

"That's not fucking true." Noya snaps harsher, he doesn't mean to use the tone he does, but it's becoming so overwhelming, so frustrating. 

"Of course it is! You're the only person acting like the way I'm approaching this whole dying thing is something god awful!"

"Because I care about you! I care more than anyone else on the team- on the whole fucking planet, I don't care in the same way they do." Noya confesses, he feels fragile, exposed, and the way Asahi's eyes widen incite fear in his stomach, "Asahi I- The way I care is different, and it's the type of different that can't live without you and if you're recklessness kills you then what am I going to do when I could have talked to you and helped you stay a little longer."

Noya turns,trying to hide the fact that he's crying. He feels so selfish, being so affected by something he isn't even going through. He's not the sick one. But yet he's taking it so much worse. How selfish could he be. 

"Nishinoya-" Asahi’s voice has become softer, there's no more shouting, no more intensity that hasn't melted into understanding. 

"I'm sorry-" Noya wipes at his eyes with his arm, "I'm being ridiculous-"

"No you're not." Asahi says and Noya feels a heavy hand on his shoulder. 

"Do you really feel like that?" He says so quietly Noya thinks he didn't say it at all.

"Like what?"

"Like you can't live without me."

Noya wipes at his face again, turning to meet brown eyes that are glossed over more than Noya's own "of course- Asahi I didnt think id ever tell you but- You realize I-"

"Nishinoya, I love you."

Noya takes a step back, eyes wide in shock, that's all there is to it. 

But a part of Noya thinks he should have known.

"You do?" His voice comes out high pitched, it's almost embarrassing.

Asahi nods, "I do. And I'm sorry for being careless- I didn't think anyone would really notice-"

"I did. Because I see you asahi, every morning, every time I search for you when I walk into a room, first thing at practice, and I'm starting to realize how much of an idiot I was for not realizing what it meant sooner."

"What does this mean?"

"It means I love you back and I'm not sure how much time we're gonna have in the rest of our world together."

***

"I'm sorry it took me getting a terminal illness to make you realize you liked me."

Asahi runs his hands over Noya's back, Noya is quiet, listening to the irregular beating of Asahi's heart, head on his chest. It makes his stomach hurt. 

"Don't apologize- it's my fault, I’d thought- I just thought- I'd have more time. More time to come to terms with it, more time to work up the courage to ever ask you on a date, if you even liked people like me,"

"You mean boys?" Asahi shifts in his bed, they're laying in the dark, no lights on except his bedside lamp, Noya had come over for dinner with Asahi's family, he'd stayed after in an attempt to be close to Asahi. He'd hadn’t realized how much he'd wanted to hold Asahi forever. 

"I mean anyone that's not a girl."

"I don't label myself, I just love people."

"And that fits right in with the size of your heart." Noya sighs into Asahi's chest. 

"I don't want to talk about my heart."

A beat passes- Asahi's heart skips two. 

"Asahi I love you."

"You're only saying that because you want me to feel like I was loved before I die."

Asahi knows that sounds morbid, but it leaves his mouth before he can stop it.

"You aren't going to die, and it's true, I'm so pissed at myself for deciding to own up to my feelings as soon as the possibility that I might lose you came up."

"It's going to hurt when I do die."

"You aren't going to die. You can't leave, you did once and you are officially not allowed to do it again." Noya holds him tighter. They haven't kissed yet, the thought makes Noya's stomach flutter. 

"Is that how this relationship works?"

"We're a relationship?"

"Do you want that?" Asahi’s voice sounds hopeful.

"Of course I do. I want you. And I want you for now and forever and even after our forever might end."

"Our forever might not be very long,"

"Then I want you for as long as I have you."

***

"what if we don't get to say goodbye?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just, what if, What if- if you ever do leave us, What if I don't get to see you one last time, Or see u smile at me one more time, I can't handle not knowing when's the last time I'll see you."

"There won't be a last time- I hope. The surgery I'm supposed to get soon will implant that thing that helps my heart- But Noya even if there is, It just means every moment counts."

"I can't say goodbye you know."

"Neither can I."

"I wouldn't go to your funeral,"

"I wouldn't expect you to."

"I'd cry every night."

"I'm sorry I would put you through that."

"It's your damn fault for making me love you."

"That was your own doing."

"Don't leave asahi. Don't let your heart defeat you."

"I don't plan to. I'm still me and I'll still be me when we're winning nationals."

"Don't leave me okay. You be right beside me in those stadium lights you hear me."

"I hear you Noya." 

That night Asahi goes to sleep, not quite sure what'll happen tomorrow. 

***

Asahi spent his days chasing the sun when it came up, and chasing the evening as it turned into the night. He was looking at the sky as if he knew it'd be somewhere he'd become acquainted with, as if something was waiting for him amongst the blue mass above him. But he also looked at the ground, looking at the world around him, and he looked at Noya. He looked at Noya and when he was looking at him, it was like staring at a blinding light too powerful for him to see directly, Like he had to look everywhere but, Though when his eyes finally settled on amber ones and a grin that made him feel better than any medicine could, Asahi felt safe and as if he'd been existing just to catch up with this boy. Asahi was in the world for love, His dream was to love and to be loved and to be seen as strong. 

He'd found all of those. Now all he wanted was to see a future with all of it existing beside him.

***

The day before the spring prelims, an announcement was made over the intercoms that morning. 

Nishinoya doesn't hear the announcement, for he was late again, Asahi had forgotten to tell him he wouldn't be meeting at their spot to walk together, but Noya couldn't be mad, sometimes Asahi had early doctor appointments and couldn't be on his phone. He'd just figured he'd see him at practice at least, or he'd hear from him soon. They'd finally kissed last night, a simple goodnight first kiss that Noya replayed over and over in his head. He'd thought about that kiss since he'd woke up and he thought about all the ones that would come after that.

Noya arrives at school when the entire student body seems to be filling into the gymnasium. He cuts into the line, finding Tanaka and shouldering his bag, confusion written all over him, "dude what's happening?"

Tanaka shrugs, "I don't know- the Principle just told everyone to meet in the gym for an emergency assembly, I dunno, it's weird."

"I wonder what it could be about," Noya furrows his eyebrows and files in after Tanaka. 

The gym is packed with Karasuno, The president stands on the stage towards the front, the same stage they'd stood on when they'd been sent off to the first round of prelims. 

Noya looks around the crowd, hoping to see if Asahi had maybe gone to school early instead of having a doctor's appointment, but he doesn't see a familiar, tall head of brown hair in the crowd at all. Nor does his phone buzz with any good morning text. It's only been days but Noya knows he's started to look forward to these things. 

"Will the Karasuno boy's volleyball team please come together at the front-" the principle calls into a Microphone, and Noya and Tanaka share a look, cutting through the people as they all sit on the gym floor for whatever assembly the principle has called. 

Noya meets his team at the foot of the stage, Their coach has appeared beside the principal, his eyes are tinged red and it's then- after Takeda comes in beside them with a swollen face from nothing else except tears, that confusion starts to turn to dread. 

Suga and Daichi are looking at each other oddly, The rest of the team doesn't know what's coming, and Noya stares at Coach Ukai and Takeda, taking a step back. 

"Settle down please-" the principal's voice wavers unlikely, Noya's frozen in place, it's a strange reaction, and the team realizes that as they listen.

"I'm sorry for all the confusion and the vagueness, but It's necessary so no false information is spread and so that no one finds out at different times." The principle clears his throat. 

Noya's world spins and something tells him what's coming next.

"Karasuno Highschool has lost a member of its student body today, and the Karasuno volleyball team has lost a piece of their family." The principle announces and the ground under Noya seems to give away. 

_No_. He can't mean it. There's no way. _No no no no._

_No._

Noya's legs give out first as gasps sound out around the gym, The cries of his teammates become echoed as the world swims. 

"Asahi Azumane has passed away from hypertensive Cardiomyopathy induced cardiac arrest early this morning, he was escorted to the hospital in an attempt to save his life, but it was futile. We are very sorry for this loss, and are sending prayers not only to his family and friends, but the Karasuno volleyball team as well."

Coach Ukai turns his back to the gym, covering his face, Takeda ushers him off the stage, holding back his own tears. 

It's numb at first but When Noya opens his eyes again he's on the ground and he's in hysterics, ignoring the heartbroken reactions of his team to pray to god that it can’t be true. 

Hands are holding onto him, he can hear Tanaka's voice telling him to keep it together, asking him to stop scaring him.

Hinata is crying, Kageyama has shut down, Suga and Daichi comfort each other and their silent sobs, Tsukki is trying to keep his team together, Yamaguchi is crying even harder than anyone expected. There's classmates who are crying in shock, people whispering, and Noya is gone. 

He's completely gone from the gym, from everything, he's in his head and he's crying and the way his heart breaks open to pieces is almost physically painful. 

Nishinoya ends up throwing up, and when the The Karasuno volleyball team is escorted with coach ukai to the hospital to see Asahi, Noya has to wait in the waiting room, numb, because seeing Asahi is sure to kill him if he even tries.

***

All Noya wanted was one more chance to tell Asahi how much he meant to him.

He's sure he's said it time and time again, but he knows Asahi would have wanted to hear that in the moments he was still there in the world. 

Noya can't help but think of how alone Asahi must have felt in the last few moments. 

Noya wasn't there. And now he'll never be able to be there for him again. 

Asahi's sister is the one to tell Nishinoya how Asahi died. He'd died in his sleep from sudden heart failure, something to be expected from what Asahi had wrong with his heart, but they'd hoped so hard that he'd make it to his surgery and now he wasn't even going to get to prelims. The team had just lost their ace and had to play a big tournament the next day. 

It seemed so utterly unfair.

***

"it still feels unreal, like a bad dream I can't seem to wake up from." Daichi sighs into Suga's shoulder, "sometimes I wish It would have been me, so Noya didn't have to lose his spirit." 

Sugawara hums quietly, A little indignation in his tone as he says softly, "don't be stupid, Bargaining doesn't do anything. Noya won't lose his spirit, Maybe a big piece of him is gone but when has Noya ever been the one to lose himself when times are hard."

Daichi understands what he says is the truth, and it doesn't change the main fact that he still feels that Asahi should have lived. A soul too kind for the world shouldn't have been the one to die. He was their friend. He was the gentleness in chaos. 

"Do you think we'll ever recover?"

Suga stares straight ahead, his hand lifting to run tiredly through Daichi's hair; They've gotten closer since the death of their friend, the trio becoming two. 

"No. I think you of all people know there's gonna be a lot of trouble coming back from this."

"I won't be able to look at a volleyball court without feeling him there you know." Daichi says.

Suga turns his head to look at him, A breeze slips by, they can almost imagine Asahi sitting in the grass at their feet like he used to when Daichi and Suga took the park bench. "That's what Noya said."

"I'm going to miss him."

"We all are."

***

Asahi's funeral is set for two days after the preliminaries. 

"We're making it to nationals you hear me." Daichi declares, it seems inappropriate to play without Asahi, but Suga and Daichi both agreed he'd want them to keep playing, and they shouted from their circle before they stepped onto the court for the first time since Asahi's passing, "for Asahi!"

Noya played his heart out at the prelims. The whole team played with a purpose. 

_All for Asahi._

***

Noya has to speak at Asahi's funeral. But when he chokes up- Daichi takes his place, and Noya sits back down beside Tanaka, and holds his breath so he doesn't shout from the pain that envelopes him the entire time they sit in that stupid chapel. 

The chapel where an open casket stands and the ace lays. Noya can't look in it, he can't for his own well being.

"they say Asahi never stopped fighting, not only for himself, but for his team and he held us together when he had every right to fall apart the moment he realized his days were numbered."

Daichi takes a shaky breath. 

"Asahi loved the world more than anyone else did, he was shy, timid, and a little bit of a wuss, It made him vulnerable but it also made him strong despite that oxymoron. His heart was too full, too full of love and life that it gave up on him. He didn't deserve to have his body be fragile, when his spirit was stronger than anyone else's Ide ever known."

Daichi reads off what Noya had meant to say, he feels weak, like a coward for not being able to stomach it. But they understand.

They all understand.

"He's in the love we have for him, in our hearts, in volleyball everytime the ball is blocked, spiked and set, in every play I make, every ball I dive for. Everything I do he's here. He's in our life whether we see him or not. Because he's Asahi. " and when Daichi sits back down, suga’s there at his side, and Daichi's wiping his face, a hard set jaw trying not to let it show. 

What closes the funeral is the appearance of their rival teams.

Aboa Johsai appears with Oikawa at the head in their uniforms, with Carnations they all lay at the foot of Asahi's casket, They shake Karasuno's hands, they tell them they’re sorry for the loss of such a talented player.

And then date tech shows up, and aone bows specifically to Noya, and then he hugs hinata. 

They lay their flowers down too.

And every team they've ever played after that. Nekoma had been there from the beginning, Kuroo and Kenma paying their respects, Fukurodoni arrives to place their flowers and condolences, Bokuto cries the most out of everyone. 

It's a sad day for Karasuno.

***

Their game against shiratorizawa comes and goes, and it's heartbreaking when the third years embrace in a victory without their third member. 

“Asahi should have been here" Noya had whispered, head in hands, voice on the brink of collapse.

Noya should have been celebrating. Celebrating qualifying for nationals. But he can’t, not when his partner isn’t beside him to do it too. 

He's hoarse from the yelling on the court, sore from the layouts and dives in both directions, and his heart aches worse than it has in the entire time he's been without Asahi. "He should have been here." He says again, he's grabbing at his hair as he storms out of the gym, through the foyer and into the parking lot of the gymnasium, "he should have been here," he cries.

Something in Nishinoya breaks. 

He screams in a way that sounds painful, and it’s so full of grief everyone's hearts around him can’t help but break at the site of the boy as he collapses onto his knees and beats at the pavement until his knuckles are scraped bare, and the team watches in tears, because despite their victory, it's so bittersweet, and Tanaka finally rushes forward to stop Nishinoya from breaking his hand.

"He should have been here," Noya says through tears, his voice so broken up, it's like glass that's shattered and it's the smallest most grief filled hysteria as it all finally, finally comes to him, and Noya cries into Tanaka's chest as he hugs his best friend and keeps him upright, "he should have been here Tanaka," his hand balls into a fist as it grabs at Tanaka's jersey. Their medals hang limp, shiny and sickening around their necks, Noya knows he should be hugging Asahi, crying tears of joy into his embrace rather than heartbreak into Tanakas.

“He should have been here, he should have been here, he should be here.” He cries over and over, Tanaka tightens his hold, “I know Yuu, I know.”

Noya closes his eyes tight, he feels like he’s going to throw up again. 

_"He should have been here."_

***

Noya stares at the bolder number 3, The jersey is empty, No beating heart, No tall ace with brown hair and stubble and broad shoulders, no kind and loveable man, no gentle giant to fill the empty space inside. 

It's encased in glass, and it's been flat ironed and washed. Noya thinks it's an injustice to even touch it ever since Asahi's worn it. It hangs over the gym doors under the banner that says fly high. And a picture of Asahi with the team is framed and hung as well. 

_In loving memory and honor of number 3,_

_Asahi Azumane._

_The Ace of Karasuno_

"He got his wings" Hinata says beside him, looking up, he feels Hinata sniffle and knows he's crying. He's cried almost as much as Noya. 

"I'd said I wanted to become the ace." He whispers, Noya's heart jerks when he says even quieter, "But not like this. Not like this."

***

When the third years graduate, there's the bittersweet sadness that is silently passed throughout the team. 

The second turned now third years hug their old senpais goodbye, and Noya can almost imagine Asahi in his cap and gown, waving with that warm smile and his long hair falling around him under that cap. Finally earning what he's worked so hard for. 

Daichi and Suga smile through sad hearts up on the stage, "you think they'll be okay without us?" Daichi asks.

"I'm sure they will," Suga hums, waving to the camera, "I'm worried about Noya though."

"He and Asahi were something different weren't they,"

"He's getting by."

"Of course" Suga smiles, "Asahi was made for him, The world just took him too soon, I'm sure Asahi will be waiting for Noya wherever he's gone. They'll see each other again."

***

Noya visits Asahi’s grave sight for the first time when he graduates. It’s been a year, it takes a year for Noya to visit him finally. He brings a popsicle with him and splits it, setting it on the ground. 

the words stare at him like a bad memory. 

Asahi Azumane.

Loving Son, brother, and teammate.

1996-2013

Loving teammate. 

_Lover,_

“I still can’t believe it’s already been that long without you,” Noya sighs. He feels silly talking to the grave, but it’s as close as he’ll get to Asahi himself. 

“You owe me so much Asahi- You owe me time of being loved by you and getting to love you.” He declares, “and I’m sorry. Sorry for not telling you how I felt sooner, I’m sorry for not coming to visit,”

Noya crouches. He touches the dirt like it's acidic and can burn his skin should he leave it in contact for too long. "You- You just wait. I'm- I'm going to live this long life, I'm going to travel this whole planet and let every city know who you were, and when I come back here I'm going to be old, And you're gonna think, "wow Noya, you let yourself go, but you're so tan! You must have loved Hawaii," and then when it's my turn to go to sleep forever, I'll wake up and then I hope you're the one at my metaphysical bedside in heaven, smiling that timid well meaning smile you get around me sometimes when you're trying to hide it, and saying, "took you long enough," and reaching out your hand, and I’ll take it and then I'll tell you all about the life I lived in honor of you Asahi. I'm living all of it for you."

Noya stands, "you left me here with enough confidence that I'll push through," he says in the quietest voice, the softest one. His chest aches and aches and it may never stop, but he's learning how to live with memories of him, Noya's learning what it's like not to be able to see him anymore or hear his voice. He's learning. He lives with the idea that Asahi is waiting for him wherever he is. 

"You always were the one who believed in me the most."


End file.
